How Caesar moved Rome to Egypt

There was once a famous Roman commander named Gaius Julius Caesar who liked two things: conquering worlds and good Roman bread with olive oil. But one day his life took an unexpected turn when he arrived in Egypt and met the beautiful, cunning and irresistible Queen Cleopatra.

When he first saw her, she was wrapped in a carpet (her then-standard method of "delivering to the spot" at an audience) and Caesar thought:

"This is a woman who can captivate! She's already got me wrapped up - literally!"

Cleopatra, who was known for being able to charm anyone from simple fishermen to crocodiles in the Nile, smiled at Caesar in a way that said, "I have plans you don't know about yet."

"Julius," she began sweetly, "Rome may be mighty, but isn't it a little cold? Here in Egypt we have sun, sand, and the best dates in the world. Why trudge back to Rome when we can rule here?"

Caesar thought for a moment. Rome may have had the Colosseum, but the weather there was no match for Egypt's. Plus, when Cleopatra started talking about how they could build new pyramids together to celebrate their love, it sounded like a great idea.

"That's it!" Caesar exclaimed. "We'll move all of Rome here! All it takes is a few galleries, Roman architects and... actually... my favourite chef. No more walking around the Roman Forum in a tunic when we can be here in this toga by the Nile!"

The Roman senators grumbled at first, but quickly changed their minds once Cleopatra offered them a few amphorae of wine and showed them how to throw a fancy party in Egypt. "Long live Caesar! And Cleopatra! Long live all of us!" they shouted.

And so all of Rome, including statues, gladiators and even a few stray dogs, moved to Egypt. The Colosseum was rebuilt on the Nile, where they also held boat races. Roman aqueducts now distributed water for all the Egyptian baths, and Cleopatra and Caesar established the tradition of hosting a monthly feast mixing Egyptian and Roman specialties.

"Nothing like combining the best of both worlds," Caesar said at one dinner while eating olives stuffed with figs.

And so Caesar and Cleopatra lived happily ever after - or at least until the crocodiles ate the leftovers from another celebratory picnic at the pyramids.

Rome and Egypt became one big family, and it is said that to this day you can still find a small temple with an inscription somewhere on the Nile:

"All roads lead to Egypt."